I decided to add this onto my Master’s Commission blog…
although, this has nothing to do with what we’ve done or what we’re doing;
being here has helped me see the reality of the walls in my mind. I won’t share
all those walls but let me be a little real with you, please.
Depression. For weeks now I’ve fallen into depression… and
it led me to complacency. Being content with being depressed and stuck with not
moving forward. I believe it’s okay to stay there sometimes… as long as you
have community to always be there to listen to you blab and run your mouth for
at least an hour a day and ask those hard questions. Side note: I am thankful
for those people… you know who you are. It seems as if depression will always
be something I struggle with. And that’s okay. When I said, it’s okay to stay
in that place sometimes… it’s because I believe God is doing something in that
area we don’t fully know about. This is why community is important, because
after days of prayer and reading and digging deeper into God’s word and His
love, I found He has created something new within me. A friend of mine told me:
“this is a whole different puzzle you are building, and be thankful for this
season of questions that cause your depression, because it is a new puzzle
piece you’re just trying to fit together. So rejoice!” It reminds me of when
someone told me I have a gift of restoration (not a gift in the bible, but a
gift that’s been given through heart break and loss) because I am being
restored. God has taken this broken, darkened thing and given me life again. A
new puzzle to put together, and not like the one where the pieces just couldn’t
fit.
Depression. It’s when I can’t get out of my own head. It’s where
I get stuck. Where everything I think about has deeper and meaningful thoughts
and questions out of nowhere begin to rise. Questions that tell me I have some
rooted problems and I don’t know how to fix them. It’s a headache. And I
thought these questions about “forgiveness” was about my past and someone I
know, but it was more than that… I have been studying forgiveness for weeks.
It’s one of those things that seem to rip you into little shredded pieces and
chisel your soul… so hard. And you can’t do anything about it… so painful. Yet,
so needed.
I thought I was somehow readying myself to be healed (more)
through this forgiveness process. I so desperately want to fully heal from some
rough stuff in my life, but it doesn’t work that way (I try though). I thought
that healing may have been going to that person and having this meaningful
(somewhat) conversation that I know in my head won’t turn out well… It’s great
I thought that, but going through this season wasn’t about my forgiveness with
so and so. It was about that person who sent a letter to me asking for my
forgiveness…
“Brace yourself for a shock! Look long and hard. Something is about to take place. And you’re going to find it hard to believe.” ~Habakkuk 1:5 (MSG)
Before I move forward, let me give you some background about
Habakkuk. Habakkuk was a prophet of God probably immediately following King
Josiah’s reign in Judah. Now, the Babylonians – a fierce tribe, was about to
take over Judah. This book records a one-on-one conversation between Habakkuk
and God. Asking questions. Questions
like judgment and why Judah was being punished by God through a ruthless tribe
like Babylon... when Babylon was exceedingly more wicked. I mean, some people
of Judah were into that Pagan worship… sacrificing children… if so, just
imagine what Babylon was up to. It just didn’t seem fair. Habakkuk struggled to
understand what God was doing, but he trusted the Lord was just and merciful
and always somehow works things together. He trusted God no matter what. He
trusted him for restoration.
Now, I know the verse above is different. But listen. God is
doing something shocking in my life – it’s nuts!
Forgiveness. I’ve judged. I’ve
judged so hard, my self-righteousness shines so bright, it leaves glares. Yet,
this person is seeking my forgiveness? What is this? I compare my depression
season with the book of Habakkuk in the bible. I’ve had questions that
frustrated me to the point where I longed to go back to my addictions and
longed to think about other things that didn’t set my focus on truth. Yet
still, something in me was saying, “keep going, even if you’re dragging.” These
past several weeks, I didn’t know what I was doing, or if I was doing it right.
Until this morning when a friend looked at me and said, “You’re doing it,
Leanna. You’ve completely spun a 180… you’ve changed.” I was thinking, what does that mean exactly? The more I
thought about it, the more I realized I needed to hear that. Hear that
encouragement. To set my focus back on the truth, to say I forgive my friend
for what they’ve done and I love them, and I would love nothing more than to
embrace them and say, “it’s okay.” It’s not my job to judge. My job is to love.
We’re all going to be judged equally. My sin is no greater than my friend’s…
and not any lesser.
So this leaves the question, “where to now?” I don’t know. I
am still trying to understand this forgiveness thing… this healing thing. While
doing that, I’m still trying to understand God. And that is my mistake. The
more I try to understand God, the more frustrating it will get and the more
depressed I will feel. God and forgiveness are hard to understand and to
accept. And since I can’t understand it – which no one can… therefore, we must
accept it. I guess my where to and next puzzle piece is letting go. But I
rejoice. I rejoice in what He has done in my life, and the things He is about
to do. Depression doesn't own me because He has restored me.
