Perfect Love

I’ve seen pain. Hard pain. Hard, gut wrenching, not worth living sort of pain. I’ve seen it for years. I have seen it in adults across the world first-hand, in poverty, in abuse, in orphans… in children… but never have I singled out one child and saw brokenness, loneliness, confusion, and sadness in one child. That’s what I saw today.

My classmates and I had the wonderful opportunity to serve at a prison ministry today. We got to meet the prisoners, their families, perform dramas to encourage them, and just love on them. An opportunity that has changed a part of my life forever. I was a part of the team that got to love on their families.

I will never forget Tyrone. 

Sweet sweet kid. 

But his face read pain, sadness, brokenness, and a lot of confusion. He sat down in the chair next to me with another young woman. My classmate, Justin was just about paint a snake on Tyrone’s cheek. He sat still. Didn’t move. Didn’t smile. Wouldn’t speak. He was shy.

But his body language also spoke anger and terror. It spoke abandonment.

He was going to visit his mom in prison.

My heart melted. Everything within me wanted to scoop him up, take him to the prison and bust open those doors and look for his mom and take them home. We don’t realize that people who are imprisoned have families too. And poor Tyrone was paying for the consequences. He’s an orphan.

I watched Justin paint that snake on his face… how much love we poured onto that kid just then. And it made me realize how much love can impact this one child; how it can impact the whole world. It impacted mine… it saved my life. I cried, I have to admit. I felt so much compassion for these kids, and I felt so angry too. Angry at Satan for destroying kids’ childhoods; the most precious thing in this world.

I have experienced pain. Hard pain. I’m sure we all have. But I’ve experienced not having the greatest childhood too and I am so pissed off that these kids aren’t getting what they deserve: a childhood. But then it’s people like us that are in their lives for a short time and give them a childhood for a good day. I wish I could give Tyrone a million more. But I’m praying that one day makes a difference.

After Tyrone got his face painted by Justin, he went back to his table with the young woman. Five minutes after, I saw him running around with a slight smile plastered on his face. So maybe my classmates and I were successful in making Tyrone’s day.

So often we believe love isn’t going to overcome the violence, suicide rates, hate, crime, the broken homes… but I believe if Jesus can overcome the grave, He can overcome these things. The song from The Beatles is singing through my head, all we need is love… love is all we need… Except the hippy love parts….

I believe love changes hearts, overcomes addictions, frees slaves, puts a smile on an orphan’s face…

Benjamin Sledge.
The name that helped save my life two years ago when all I thought about was suicide. I didn’t care about love and what it meant. I didn’t care about anything. He’s a part of a great organization called Heart Support

– an online community founded by the lead singer of August Burns Red: Jake Luhrs; designed to help young people like me overcome addictions, suicide, and other struggles. He never gave up on me when all I did was give up on myself. He loved me when I didn’t even love myself. And it was his and Heart Support’s love and grace that helped save me.

I met him this past week. And this whole week that went through my mind after meeting him is how accepting he is to everyone. His face shines with love. Everyone he sees, he looks at them with an adoration saying you and I are equal and I love you. If we all just did that…

Have you loved someone today?

Just Some Updates and Photos

After coming back from India and our Christmas break, we headed to Galveston Beach for some quiet and fellowship with each other... a retreat for the week. 

After the retreat we started back on our normal days here at Master's. Normal days look like West Coast classes, normal reading, studying, drama training.

Lately we've been doing a lot of drama training for our own church since we just opened up our huge and brand new sanctuary, we've been having fun with it. We've done training for Red Pill - our School Assembly program. We also continue to work every Saturday for Adopt-A-Block.

This last week of the month, we are heading to Louisiana for our annual MC Conference! It's where all of the Master's Commissions across the US meet together for a couple of days! We're excited!

March is just around the corner where things will start to pick up fast. With March being our busiest month! We are serving at the rodeo to raise money, and we also have services and such! We'd appreciate your prayers for strength that month!

Here are some photos...

Why Depression Doesn't Own Me

I decided to add this onto my Master’s Commission blog… although, this has nothing to do with what we’ve done or what we’re doing; being here has helped me see the reality of the walls in my mind. I won’t share all those walls but let me be a little real with you, please.

Depression. For weeks now I’ve fallen into depression… and it led me to complacency. Being content with being depressed and stuck with not moving forward. I believe it’s okay to stay there sometimes… as long as you have community to always be there to listen to you blab and run your mouth for at least an hour a day and ask those hard questions. Side note: I am thankful for those people… you know who you are. It seems as if depression will always be something I struggle with. And that’s okay. When I said, it’s okay to stay in that place sometimes… it’s because I believe God is doing something in that area we don’t fully know about. This is why community is important, because after days of prayer and reading and digging deeper into God’s word and His love, I found He has created something new within me. A friend of mine told me: “this is a whole different puzzle you are building, and be thankful for this season of questions that cause your depression, because it is a new puzzle piece you’re just trying to fit together. So rejoice!” It reminds me of when someone told me I have a gift of restoration (not a gift in the bible, but a gift that’s been given through heart break and loss) because I am being restored. God has taken this broken, darkened thing and given me life again. A new puzzle to put together, and not like the one where the pieces just couldn’t fit.

Depression. It’s when I can’t get out of my own head. It’s where I get stuck. Where everything I think about has deeper and meaningful thoughts and questions out of nowhere begin to rise. Questions that tell me I have some rooted problems and I don’t know how to fix them. It’s a headache. And I thought these questions about “forgiveness” was about my past and someone I know, but it was more than that… I have been studying forgiveness for weeks. It’s one of those things that seem to rip you into little shredded pieces and chisel your soul… so hard. And you can’t do anything about it… so painful. Yet, so needed.

I thought I was somehow readying myself to be healed (more) through this forgiveness process. I so desperately want to fully heal from some rough stuff in my life, but it doesn’t work that way (I try though). I thought that healing may have been going to that person and having this meaningful (somewhat) conversation that I know in my head won’t turn out well… It’s great I thought that, but going through this season wasn’t about my forgiveness with so and so. It was about that person who sent a letter to me asking for my forgiveness…

“Brace yourself for a shock! Look long and hard. Something is about to take place. And you’re going to find it hard to believe.” ~Habakkuk 1:5 (MSG)

Before I move forward, let me give you some background about Habakkuk. Habakkuk was a prophet of God probably immediately following King Josiah’s reign in Judah. Now, the Babylonians – a fierce tribe, was about to take over Judah. This book records a one-on-one conversation between Habakkuk and God. Asking questions. Questions like judgment and why Judah was being punished by God through a ruthless tribe like Babylon... when Babylon was exceedingly more wicked. I mean, some people of Judah were into that Pagan worship… sacrificing children… if so, just imagine what Babylon was up to. It just didn’t seem fair. Habakkuk struggled to understand what God was doing, but he trusted the Lord was just and merciful and always somehow works things together. He trusted God no matter what. He trusted him for restoration.

Now, I know the verse above is different. But listen. God is doing something shocking in my life – it’s nuts! 

Forgiveness. I’ve judged. I’ve judged so hard, my self-righteousness shines so bright, it leaves glares. Yet, this person is seeking my forgiveness? What is this? I compare my depression season with the book of Habakkuk in the bible. I’ve had questions that frustrated me to the point where I longed to go back to my addictions and longed to think about other things that didn’t set my focus on truth. Yet still, something in me was saying, “keep going, even if you’re dragging.” These past several weeks, I didn’t know what I was doing, or if I was doing it right. Until this morning when a friend looked at me and said, “You’re doing it, Leanna. You’ve completely spun a 180… you’ve changed.” I was thinking, what does that mean exactly? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed to hear that. Hear that encouragement. To set my focus back on the truth, to say I forgive my friend for what they’ve done and I love them, and I would love nothing more than to embrace them and say, “it’s okay.” It’s not my job to judge. My job is to love. We’re all going to be judged equally. My sin is no greater than my friend’s… and not any lesser.

So this leaves the question, “where to now?” I don’t know. I am still trying to understand this forgiveness thing… this healing thing. While doing that, I’m still trying to understand God. And that is my mistake. The more I try to understand God, the more frustrating it will get and the more depressed I will feel. God and forgiveness are hard to understand and to accept. And since I can’t understand it – which no one can… therefore, we must accept it. I guess my where to and next puzzle piece is letting go. But I rejoice. I rejoice in what He has done in my life, and the things He is about to do. Depression doesn't own me because He has restored me.

Is Change Really A Thing? / Excuse Me For Being Blunt

"People don't change."

I swore to myself that I wouldn't write anything about New Year's Eve or anything to do with change. I see it all over Social Media and it sort of bothers me. We take up Resolutions just to forget about them the second week of the entire year. I find it hard to believe someone when they try to tell me what's going to be different about them this upcoming year. They just don't work. And I used to believe none of us could really change. That we are all so stuck in our shells of selfishness, that it is impossible for us to change. 

Your lack of change is because you lack discipline and self-control. 

You can change. I have stories of friends who did just that. Some of those friends helped myself change afterwards. 

Believing you or others can't change is a manifestation of pride. 

ouch. But I'm not sorry I said it.
I am just like this too.
We all are.
How? Selfishness is the reason we believe that = pride. It really isn't a science. As human beings, we are naturally selfish and prideful, but it doesn't mean we should accept that.

I know someone I met in India who used to be a part of the mob, until Jesus got ahold of him one day and it changed his life forever. I know a young woman who was caught in sex & drugs, but then someone she knew was in love with the Lord and continued to be that light in her life... she finally came to Christ and is clean. I also know another man who was a soldier, came back home from Afghanistan with PTSD, got caught up in alcohol & drugs, found Jesus, and he now is a college pastor and a director for an online Christian organization that deals with addictions - and because of him and that organization, it saved me from my addictions.

Change is inevitable. 

Everyone changes. No one stays the same. We mature... some more slower than others. But we never stop. We never stop learning life lessons and experiences. We're going to change even if we don't try to.

Change really is a thing. So here's that one annoying question: What change are you going to make for 2014? What goals do you have for the future? Tomorrow is your clean slate. The past is left with 2013. The past is the past. After midnight, what are you going to let go of? After midnight, what will you forgive yourself for? After midnight tonight... are you going to move forward? Any goals?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Goals:
Graduate Master's Commission
Prayer be my first priority everyday
Overcome some personal things / Forgive myself / Forget my past / Move on
Start planning my future ministry: Orphanages & trips / Schooling

Mafia & Apples to Apples in the Middle of Mumbai Airport / India Journal Part 4

This is an India series... my thoughts, and experiences I put into my journal - edited, now sharing with you...

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I particularly love this part of the entire trip. I know we're not serving... but community. I never thought I'd love community this much. My brothers and sisters are pretty great, and just being able to spend time with them as we wait in the Mumbai airport to get back to America... it was first, exhausting having to stay up all night to wait for our flight, and second, rewarding, getting to know them a little better. During mission trips - even just being in Master's Commission - there is a lot of waiting involved. A lot of time being killed. You learn a lot of patience... it's sort of forced. But it's a good thing! 

I love missions. I love people so much. I love God even more. Who would have thought that someone like me who loves being alone would be saying these words? Bu ever since that orphanage, love has become a new meaning to me. I am finally content on where I am today and how I got here - how I got here was a complete mess. Maybe that phrase, "beauty out of ashes" is sort of true. There's a sort of peace within my soul I've never felt before. Even the people who have wronged me, I've started forgiving...true love. This love has got me so wrapped up in it, I feel better about myself and who I am, and who I am becoming... this is called freedom. And it's only caught by God, who is Love.

I never thought a lesson could be made through games like Mafia and Apples to Apples...

Some Images Just Never Leave You / India Journal Part 3

This is an India series... my thoughts, and experiences I put into my journal - edited, now sharing with you...

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There are no photos for this blog. Because I believe the people I saw in Mumbai - right outside the airport - deserve more dignity than what they've been given. I saw naked, homeless people sleeping underneath an overpass. People would walk/drive by like this was normal. Like this was okay. But I saw dirty, broken humanity that the Enemy has tremendously warped. However, in the midst of the sadness, somehow I was able to find God's light and mercy through one of the kids I will never forget.

The little boy is burned into my head, it never leaves me and tears well up every time I think of him. My soul feels uneasy knowing he is out there sleeping on the streets and God knows what has happened to him or what is currently going through. The urge to sweep him up into my arms was almost inevitable... it was awful. Although I never got to talk with him and love him... instead just pass him by because I had somewhere else I was heading and quite honestly... excuse me for my boldness, but I had places to be. I didn't have time for him. I think that is one thing I didn't like about this mission trip to India. We never had time for a lot of people... who may have needed us the most. Don't get me wrong, God did great and awesome things there. People were healed, people were saved, people were loved and cared for... but I often think about that little boy on the side of the road underneath the overpass sleeping naked. And you're telling me there was nothing I could do for him? How about he could have my blanket? My pillow. Heck, just take me entire luggage. True religion is serving and helping the orphan and the widow...

I am guilty of not stopping. I am guilty of not doing anything for him, or anyone underneath that overpass. My heart is heavy for them, but with no action, is my love meaningless? All I know is God is a God of all circumstances. God is Just, Righteous, and Powerful. He is Right, IN CONTROL, and Good. Because seeing this, my heart dropped to the floor and it made me fall in love with Jesus more; these are His people. These aren't "people of India," these are "Children of God." I was reminded that this is exactly the reason Jesus came down to earth, took on a cross and died, and defeated death by rising from the grave. We are royal, we are clean, we are hopeful, and we are beautiful. And because of that I know - in particular - this little boy is a royal heir of the Most High... no one can touch him. No one can touch God's precious children. I just know that everyone is valuable. I pray for this kid everyday. I pray he is safe, and his family is with him and he is not feeling alone. I pray for blessings in his life, and I constantly speak life for this little kid... I pray for his comfort and peace. This little boy is beautiful to me.

Why the Enemy Was Fighting to Keep Me Out of India / India Journal Part 2

This is an India series... my thoughts, and experiences I put into my journal - edited, now sharing with you...

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Here are the ways Satan tried extremely hard to keep me out of India:
1) Raising the money was almost impossible for me.
2) My visa arrived 3 days later, I had to fly by myself 3 days late without my team.
3) When arriving to India, Immigration wouldn't let me leave the airport until I had a secure address on where I was staying (long story).

I'm surprised he didn't try to bring down the plane...
I believe it didn't go down because of my classmates who prayed over me, because they knew the enemy didn't want me going; they knew it was going to be rough journey.

I knew that God was fighting for me to be in India. I just didn't know why. All of a sudden, it became more than just wanting to go to India... the more I prayed over this country, the more I worked to get myself there, the more I begged God for patience through my circumstances, and for miracles... the more I became incredibly passionate about His people in India. Still, I knew there was a reason why the enemy did not want me there. I knew I was supposed to go. I just knew. And I knew God would make a way. You see, I learned that nothing can stop Him and His purpose. What's even more great was God wasn't just showing me what He can do, but He was showing everyone who was watching this happening to me. We all knew there was some sort of reason for this drama.

1) Faithfulness - I was supposed to learn a lot about God's faithfulness. He didn't just show me this month, He showed me my testimony. He pulled me through some dark times, I've learned. We don't live life through a formula or math problem, I know... we live through moments... and the moments of my life led me to this one moment I'm living for now. I learned God got me through each moment.

2) Pride to Humility - God taught me how to start breaking down my walls of pride. Being here, and being in India. I believe the enemy didn't want me to do that... because the more he could build more blocks... the more he could misguide me and keep me from my calling.

3) "I choose you!" - Have you watched Pokemon before? When I think of the show, I am reminded of when Ash would exclaim, "Pikachu! I choose you!" I feel like that's how God is a lot. He sees someone who needs to experience something, or for some reason it's part of their calling... so I believe God said that to me. He chose me to make some little orphan children smile by giving them Christmas gifts... He chose me, ME... some ordinary young woman to heal an older woman physically. That's right, she was healed in Jesus' name and God decided to use me!

4) My Calling - God has given me a vision to build orphanages in the regions of Asia, and America for children who potentially are at risk or were victims of Child Sex Trafficking. I'm excited to give you this news. I've been prayerfully considering... and God just confirmed it when I was at the Girl's Orphanage in India. I prayed a little more about it, and this is my first real announcement about it. I'm excited to partner with churches and organizations to make this happen. I am currently getting my Biblical Counseling Bachelor's Degree, and I plan on going to school for a BA in counseling as well. God willing. I still plan on ministering in Korea... North Korea and China are very well known for human trafficking. In the next 5 years, I see myself graduating some college and starting my ministry with orphans. My heart is heavy (in a good way) for these girls. I know this is exactly where God wants me. I don't want to be a super-hero for these children... but I want to point them to the hero who saved us, tore the veil, and made a way to be with Him forever. Free.

"The Darkness only wins if you allow it to..." ~Renee Yohe